Thursday, February 19, 2015

Now is the winter of my discontent

Some days are harder than others.  Some days are very lonely.  Going though cancer is never easy, but going through cancer in the midst of one of New England's harshest and coldest winters is to put it bluntly, a bitch!

I'm not a winter person in general.  I don't like the snow and the cold is very hard on my autoimmune issues.  I sometimes wonder why I haven't sold off everything I own, packed my bags and headed someplace warm to work in some little sea side cafe like Shirley Valentine.

Like everything, I'm here for a reason.  I'll figure it all out some day.  I do believe all of this would be easier if the weather were warmer.  At least I could sit outside.  I'm a nature girl at heart and I get a bit like Jack in the Shinning when I'm cooped up for too long.  My first round of chemo is over and I am most susceptible to illness due to low blood cell counts.  A shot of Neulasta helps rebuild these counts, but at a painful price.  Imagine the flu times ten.  So, I'm living a bit of the life of girl in a bubble.  I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but I do want to say that it is okay to complain. Most people only see the brave side of you, because the real stuff is a little too real at times.  I have a facebook page filled with wonderful friends.  Without their support and that of my family, I don't know how I would get though all of this.  There are days of such darkness, that no one but my husband sees.  Bless the heart of the caregiver.  We put on the warrior face, but there are times that it all comes closing in and all you can do is surrender to the pain and emotion.  But, that is okay. Sometimes you need to just cry it out...or get really angry.  Having cancer is a lot like loosing a loved one, because you feel all the emotions associated with death.  In essence you feel as though you are loosing yourself.  In reality, you are getting reconnected with the truest, rawest and most authentic part of who you are and who you are truly meant to be.  In the process you are being reborn.  You will have to willingly give up parts of yourself physically.  Whether it is your hair, your breasts or your stomach contents.  You will have to just let it go.  You will have to feel what true fear is so that you recognize what is trivial and insignificant.  You will need to connect with the side of yourself that was lost, forgotten and abandoned.  That is the part of you that is the most primal and sacred.  It is the heart of the Spiritual Warrior you thought you never had, but was there all along.  The other night as I lay in bed, I began crying.  It wasn't from pain, fear, anger or sadness.  It was from an overwhelming sense of bliss and love only similar to the moment my son was born and placed in my arms.  I felt held in that moment.  I was completely aware that I was safe and loved.  I closed my eyes and began soaring like an eagle to the most beautiful places on earth.

I flew over mountaintops, over oceans, meadows and through trees.  I lay down in fields of purple clover and could smell the earth and feel the sun on my skin.  I was a part of life in the purest form.  I don't feel this was a dream, as I was completely aware and could open my eyes at any time.  I'm grateful for that moment.  I needed it.

Last night, I had a dream in which a dear friend of mine who passed away recently showed up on my door step wearing a Groucho Marx mustache and nose.  Thank you, Pammy.  I know it was her way of telling me to laugh more.

I am letting parts of myself go and in the process learning to trust in the journey.  It's not always easy, but I know the snow will eventually melt, the sun will shine and I will be born a new.  Bless those on the journey.  Love and light.