I
decided to speak about my cancer journey at an upcoming Expo this fall.
I'll be there with my art, but this will be the first time I will be
speaking publicly about my journey. Other than theater work in HS,
and a couple presentations in front of employers when I was in advertising, I
have never done this type of thing. Theater and advertising were easy,
because it wasn't personal, and with theater, I was someone else. While I
have blogged about my journey, and spent hours on FB logging thoughts, this will
be 45 minutes of raw me in front of strangers.
In May, my friend Dory,
who runs the expo proposed the idea to me. I was initially surprised and
grateful, but told her I would need to give it some thought. I've been
thinking about it for weeks, but wasn't convinced to do anything until this
past Monday, after sitting down with the Social Worker from the cancer center
where I receive treatment.
I stopped in her office, per her request, as
she wanted to know how I was doing and if there was anything I needed.
This was our first meeting and I felt an immediate comfort level with
her. I suppose it is her job to put people at ease. So, we got to
talking about me, what I do, how I was feeling, and how I got from A to B in
this journey. Through the process, I realized, I had a lot to say and
overall, I wanted to say these things to others.
Prior to my diagnosis, I
had many "fears”. The list is quite long, but one of them is the fear of
success and the fear of failure. Everyone fears failure in some way, but
how many of us are afraid to succeed? Actually, I've come to realize that these fears go hand in hand. As an artist, I've been putting
myself "out there" for years, but I'll admit that subconsciously, I
believe I have created a block to success, because I fear failure. If I'm
not successful, I can't possibly fail. Sure, I've had my share of
successes and they have been wonderful, but the BIG stuff, the stuff I truly
want always seems to encounter a roadblock. I believe it has to do with
convincing myself that I am not good enough. Perhaps, it is
comparing myself to someone else. Perhaps, it is the
feeling that I do not deserve success. I think it is all these
things and more. I have pages and pages of would be novels I've written,
but have not put "out there". I have art in the back of my mind
that I want to create, but fear I'm not good enough as an artist to bring it
alive. I want to start my own art gatherings to teach others, but linger
in self-doubt, because I am not classically trained. Who am I to teach
others when no one taught me? Doubt, fear, etc. I've come to realize that this is all an illusion
that I have created in my mind from past imprinting and perceptions I have put
upon myself. We all do it, and it is time it needs to stop. How can
you possibly be your best and highest self if you are constantly afraid of
facing that person? We face people every day, but we never truly face
ourselves. It's time for everyone to look in the mirror and say you can
do anything you set your mind to. You are worthy of happiness. You
are worthy of abundance. You are skilled and talented. You have all
the tools you need. Take flight, my friends. It's time.
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